apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
