Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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