Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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