Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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