Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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