I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Who wears a wallet chain?!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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