where am i from again
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
