Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
