I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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