Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
