imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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