Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
