The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
