Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
