She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
