Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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