i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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