I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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