Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
