I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
