I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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