The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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