he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
