Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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