i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
