Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
