I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
