explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
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If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
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Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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