we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Can you bring me the toilet please
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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