just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
