did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
