Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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