I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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