I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
