Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
