Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
