The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
