If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
