"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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