i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
