I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
