Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
