Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
