He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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