Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize