After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
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