if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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