I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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