bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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