If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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