Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
