on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
