How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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