I am midnight drunk by noon
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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