I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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